There’s a sense of Syracuse University exceptionalism, and that’s not a bad thing. We think SU is the greatest place on earth. It starts with the chancellor and goes all the way down to the students.

SU is an incredible place, and we should be proud, but there’s a certain group that I think has taken this exceptionalism too far. They don’t just think they’re the best; they think they’re better than everyone else.

There’s a difference.

Student organizations on campus have gone from being proud to being full-on audacious. I’m here to take them all down a notch. I’m here to roast all the student organizations at SU.

I know I may make some enemies, but if you get offended by a little joke, then Student Association President James Franco has promised me he’d cut your funding. Well, I’m sure he will, and if he doesn’t, I’ll roast him individually in an updated version of this column.

So, let’s get into all the different groups on campus.

The media groups

First, let’s start off with the campus media. These organizations are vital to an informed and entertained campus.

Just kidding. They’re just good for Newhouse kids to put on their resume.

The Daily Orange

• Rated the No. 1 college newspaper; doesn’t really matter because print’s a dying industry
• Thinks it’s cool because it just started using Snapchat…two years after my mom started using it
• Not affiliated with the university but still afraid to sh*t on it

Citrus TV

• Constantly trying to stick mics in everyone’s faces for interviews
• Everyone thinks they’re Bob Costas, Matt Lauer or Kelly Ripa

Jerk Magazine

• Everyone is in it; nobody knows which underground basement it meets in

WERW

• Their slogan is “real college radio,” except they’re not on the radio

 

The performance groups

All right, now let’s move over to some of the musical/performance groups on campus. They’re obviously a great outlet for people who realize they can’t get a job in the arts but still talk about how much they did in high school.

Acapella

• Think they’re talented enough to make up for their lack of ability to play instruments by just using their voice…They’re not, though.

Marching band

• Dances more than they play their instruments

DanceWorks

• Love theater but can’t remember lines or sing

First Year Players

• Puts on by far the best private middle school play in the county

 

The athletic groups

Next we’ve got the activities for the athletic. No matter the sport, these people do not shut up about their fantasy bracket.

Intramural sports

• For people who weren’t good enough to make the club teams

Club sports

• For people who think they were too good for the varsity team

Sport Management Club

• Have a silent auction because they know nobody wants to hear managers speak

CHAARG

• Strong women who could all beat me up. I guess that’s not even a roast of CHAARG, but then again, beating me up is not that impressive either

Otto’s Army

• Only ones who know all the words to the alma mater at the end of the games

 

The peppy groups

The peppy groups are unlike the others because they’re not defined by what the group does but rather by who’s in the group. These are the groups with people who are usually way too excited.

Orientation leaders

• Want to be RAs but don’t want any of the work associated with being an RA, and definitely not after the first week of school

OrangeSeeds

• Spend most of their time talking about where they can find community service opportunities

Panhellenic

• Shuts down all sorority houses because of the mumps, yet still lets frats have jungle juice mainly consisting of mud

University 100

• Liars, all of them.

 

The big dogs

We have some big groups on campus that receive a lot of funding, draw big crowds, have a lot of members and are known by pretty much everyone. These groups pull a lot of weight around campus, but I’m not afraid to roast them. What are they going to do?

Orange After Dark

• Organizes activities for students not to go to parties when those activities cost the same amount as parties

University Union

• Requires the largest budget from Student Association to still charge the highest prices

Student Association

• Its main accomplishment is keeping the library open later during midterms and finals weeks. Shouldn’t that just be a thing?
• Has more scandals than the actual government

Syracuse University Ambulance

• Volunteers sign up to get medical experience and help save lives, but end up having to help their drunk friends, which they do anyway on their nights off

Traditions Commission

• Doesn’t include any activities for the SU tradition of getting obliterated every weekend

 

Miscellaneous

I didn’t know where to put these, but let’s be honest, you’re not misc.-ing out on anything. Get it?

Yearbook

• Wait, there’s a yearbook?

Engineering frat

• Can build literally everything, but cannot fix their own house

All the groups I didn’t get to

• Are clearly not important enough for me to roast

Josh Feinblatt is a junior television, radio and film major. He hopes none of the groups he roasted that he’s part of kick him out. He can be reached on Twitter @joshfeinblatt or by email at jfeinbla@syr.edu for all your clubs’ whining.

Published on October 23, 2017 at 6:45 pm