When people talk about how hard their classes are, we assume that they’re talking about the class’s content. But classwork is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to a course’s difficulty.

The truth is that students experience a load of awkward tension within classrooms. Or, at least I do. You see, for some odd reason, whenever I’m in class, I get really hungry, thirsty and need to cough and pee at the same time. Why this happens, I don’t know. I think it might have to do with PowerPoint though.

Mainly, I just hate eating in class, and for several reasons. In order to explain said reasons, I could just list them out, but that would be boring. We don’t want that! Instead, I will go through each reason as its own nightmare.

If you get scared easily, please make sure you are aware of the nearest exits of the room you’re in, and station yourself next to someone who knows CPR. This could get really spooky.

Nightmare 1: The Deafening

It’s a Tuesday afternoon. You have class in about 15 minutes and are feeling pretty hungry, so you stop and grab a bag of chips out of the nearest vending machine.

Fast forward to class. The professor has begun her lecture, and you’re getting really hungry now. You take out your bag of chips and slowly open them. When you do this, the entire classroom goes silent. Everyone can hear you. You put the bag of chips on your lap to conceal them. The lecture continues.

A minute later, you decide to take a bite of a chip. What harm could that do?

Slowly, you raise the salty snack to your mouth. Right when your teeth close on it, you hear several screams. Students drop to the floor, covering their ears. The teacher has passed out.

“I can’t hear!” they shout. “Someone was chewing so loudly, why would they do such a thing?”

You shattered their eardrums with your loud chewing. Dream ends.

Nightmare 2: Sharing is caring

In this nightmare, you walk into class with a Starbucks drink in hand. It’s been a long day, and you really needed an overpriced pick-me-up made of espresso beans and dairy.

You sit down at your seat. Class begins. You notice that the person sitting and taking notes next to you is your mom. But it’s a dream, so you let that slide.

As the professor speaks, you take a sip of your coffee. As the straw touches your lips, your professor stops.

“Hey, you!” she exclaims, “You know the rules. You can’t bring food in unless you have enough to share with everyone!”

Your mom looks at you and shakes her head. She’s not mad, just disappointed. You grudgingly pass the drink to the person on your right.

Next thing you know, everyone takes a sip. The mumps infects six more people. Dream ends.

Nightmare 3: The world ends

Before today’s class, you stopped to get a wrap from Food.com in Newhouse. You sit down in your seat, eager to eat it.

It’s 10 minutes into class — an appropriate time to start eating. As you noisily take the paper cover off of your food, the student next to you throws their hands over their ears. You knew this would happen. You proceed. But when the wrap is exposed to the air, you notice that it’s dripping from the bottom.

“Where is all this juice coming from?” you wonder. “There’s just hummus and cucumbers in here.”

Before chowing down, you write an email to Kent, wanting to get to the bottom of this serious inquiry. Finally, you take a bite of your wrap. All hell breaks loose.

The juice coming out of your wrap begins pouring out. The classroom is flooding. Panicked, you try to use a napkin to stop it, but to no avail.

The wrap juices are filling the classroom now. You don’t know how to swim! Then, the room catches on fire! Why this happens you don’t know — but it’s certainly your fault. Then the world explodes. Look at what you did. And that wrap cost you, like, $7, too. Darn you!

As you can see, these nightmares are pretty intense — and could happen at any point in time. So I recommend that you don’t eat in class. Just don’t risk it. And if you see someone bringing food in, run out immediately. Your professor will understand.

Annabeth Grace Mann is a sophomore film major. Her column appears biweekly. She can be reached at agmann@syr.edu.

Published on April 2, 2018 at 12:11 am